When I began this blog I had no expectations whatsoever. I wasn't even going to tell anyone I had one. It actually just slipped out one day in the midst of talking to a friend. I guess I started it just to get myself back in the habit of writing. How I had put the love of my life on the back burner is a mystery to me. Of course I have kids, and work and life but when you love to do something as much as I love writing how do you just not do it?
Demons.
The little bitty, green ones that have pointy horns on their heads. The kind that laugh in your face and cause your stomach to turn at the stench of their breath. The same ones that I tell child #2 they don't exist when she's in her room scared at night.
"But mommy their are monsters in my room, I can see them." she will cry.
"No honey, it's all in your head. Just close your eyes and dream of sweet things and all the wonderful things you want to do. Then the monsters won't be there."
I guess, maybe, I should take my own advice. We all have them in some form or another. That self deprecating voice that tells us we suck. It will never happen, your not a good_______(insert whatever you want here). It's all in our head. No one has ever told me I'm a sucky writer. To the contrary, I have been told by a few different people that they enjoy my writing. That's great right? Sure, but those little demons always seem to pop back up. Like those little heads that your supposed to hit with the big mallet in that game at Chuck-E-Cheese. They seem to counteract all those accolades by saying oh their just tying to be nice cause their your friend or their married to you. Which could be somewhat true. Then again, I've never been able to take a compliment, my self conscious/insecure self just can't do it. I'm sure it's the same for you, no one has told you you can't or you suck, it's you telling yourself that.
This blog has helped me overcome my fears a little just by posting my ramblings and such so that anybody can see it. That's a big step for me. I used to never want anyone to see anything I wrote and if I did then I would leave the room while they read it. Now I broadcast it in my email signature, "Come visit my blog.....", I put it on my Myspace page and I joined a blogger community -20something bloggers. All these strangers are looking at my writing and saying what? Who knows and who cares right? I mean of course I want people to like it -love it even, leave comments, add me to their blog roll but if they don't then oh well. This is more for me then anyone else. This is me kicking my demons in the face and saying -take that. Bitch-slapping them and telling them to leave me alone. I am superwoman and I can do anything.
So give your demons an open-hand-slap-in-the-mouth too, I know you'll feel better.
I do.
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