As I know all of you have heard actor Heath Ledger died this week. Now, I wasn't really a fan or anything, I may have only seen one movie he was in and it wasn't even Brokeback Mountain. But his passing saddened me regardless. Not because we are the same age, or that his death may have been an accident.
I think the sadness is more for Michelle Williams-his ex-fiance/baby mama. I briefly saw her profile as she returned to her home with her 2 year old baby. So much sadness just in that half a second. Can you imagine? Not to long ago when everything was new. That first stolen glance. The giddiness that she felt the first time he whispered I love you in her ear. The thought, that I never want to be with out you. The joy they must have had the moment they found out they were going to have a baby. The dreams, plans, adventures planned. The butterflies he gave her every time he touched the nape of her neck. His smile, laugh, sneeze. Whatever little quirk he had that just did it for her. She loved him. No matter what broke them apart, I know the pain that she must be feeling has to be absolutely nauseating. Last moments haunting her. Words never spoken. Just catching your breath knowing that you will never feel it on his skin. I pray that he comes to her in her dreams and gives her the peace she needs. Answers the questions to calm her soul. I know my reaction comes from me realizing that every breath I take is connected to my husband. His heart is mine. His love is both physically and emotionally attached to me. It's like a leg, I don't think about the fact that I have one but it's there every time I need to stand up. With out it......
Events affect you differently at different times in your life. If this would have happened in 20 years then I guess I would be writing how I would feel if this was my child. But at this point I can't even go there. Refuse to. But the idea of raising my children alone, without them ever knowing just how much their father adored them is something that I can't begin to fathom either. I think it's one of my biggest fears in life. His daughter will have no memories of her own of him. That is the most tragic aspect of it all.
I think the sadness is more for Michelle Williams-his ex-fiance/baby mama. I briefly saw her profile as she returned to her home with her 2 year old baby. So much sadness just in that half a second. Can you imagine? Not to long ago when everything was new. That first stolen glance. The giddiness that she felt the first time he whispered I love you in her ear. The thought, that I never want to be with out you. The joy they must have had the moment they found out they were going to have a baby. The dreams, plans, adventures planned. The butterflies he gave her every time he touched the nape of her neck. His smile, laugh, sneeze. Whatever little quirk he had that just did it for her. She loved him. No matter what broke them apart, I know the pain that she must be feeling has to be absolutely nauseating. Last moments haunting her. Words never spoken. Just catching your breath knowing that you will never feel it on his skin. I pray that he comes to her in her dreams and gives her the peace she needs. Answers the questions to calm her soul. I know my reaction comes from me realizing that every breath I take is connected to my husband. His heart is mine. His love is both physically and emotionally attached to me. It's like a leg, I don't think about the fact that I have one but it's there every time I need to stand up. With out it......
Events affect you differently at different times in your life. If this would have happened in 20 years then I guess I would be writing how I would feel if this was my child. But at this point I can't even go there. Refuse to. But the idea of raising my children alone, without them ever knowing just how much their father adored them is something that I can't begin to fathom either. I think it's one of my biggest fears in life. His daughter will have no memories of her own of him. That is the most tragic aspect of it all.
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2 comments:
Children do change your perspective on life...they give you something to live for, that's the only thing that keeps me sane nowadays.
I can't imagine it either. Thanks for writing such a thought provoking blog.
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